September

It has been SO long since I have written. I have nothing but excuses, but here they are:
I started my work from home job at the beginning of the month and have been grading papers and answering students' questions all day and evening for the past several weeks. Since Lorelei does not take naps that are long enough to really get anything done, and I still need to clean my house, I often cannot get any "work" done until Allen gets home, and then I work from about 7-10. With that and some personal struggles, I have just not had the heart or mindset to blog. BUT since I do not keep a baby book and this is my SOLE record of Lorelei's babyhood (I know, bad mommy!) I wanted to update with where the little peanut is:

First of all, she is indeed still a peanut. Weighing in at a whopping 13.5 lbs, she is in the 5th percentile for weight, and only the 20th for height/head. She still is verrry slow at gaining weight, and the doctors keep scheduling weight checks to monitor her. I am not nearly as nervous about it as I used to be, as I truly think she is healthy, but it is making the whole sleeping through the night thing complicated. With her not gaining that much, I do not want to drop her night time feedings until she is ready, but the older she gets, the harder it is going to be. And the battle continues.



She is MOBILE! Lorelei started crawling at five months, beginning with a army/belly crawl + a worm thing. Now she can get on her knees and rock back and forth, but still does most of her actual moving on her belly. She is ALL over the place and FAST! She makes beeline to the computer, the cat, the front door and the bathroom the moment my back is turned. She also sits up without falling over (unless she is intentionally trying to get out of sitting position to crawl,) and just last week started pulling herself up to standing position. THAT is all kinds of fun when I am trying to get her to sleep. It is very sad and pathetic to me to watch my baby standing in her crib crying for me. I need thicker skin!



At six months, after half a year of nothing but breastmilk, we started Lorelei on solids (specifically cereal mixed with formula.) She.loves.it. She is also very good at eating it, which I attribute to the fact that we waited until six months, and we practiced with ice chips (side note- she now gets excited and happy when she hears the ice maker running...SO cute!) She has had rice, wheat and oatmeal cereal, and just started green beans and carrots last week. Now she has solids twice a day (cereal in the AM and cereal + veggies at dinner,) but still nurses 4-5 times per day with 1-2 night feedings. Gotta get some meat on this girl's bones so she can actually fit into her 6-9 month clothes! She is barely in 3-6 month clothes still! I do miss the ease (and lack of smell) from washing exclusive breastfeeding diapers, but I am thankful for this change.


Aside from these more obvious milestones, she is growing and changing and developing her own little personality more every day. She is VERY clingy to me now, which can be kind of sad sometimes. She definitely sensed the change in her life from my working (since she was being cared for primarily by daddy or nonnie or Aunt Gretchen and Uncle Daniel on many occasions as I worked,) and it made her cling to me whenever I was around. It melts my heart to do that to her, but if it were not for the blessing of this job, I would have to work outside the home. Ironically, however, she is very good for nursery, which she goes to for MOPS and either Sunday School or the sermon at church. I do wish that I could keep her with me, but to be honest, she squirms too much for me to get anything out of it. I know she would be welcomed in these places, but I would rather her crawl around the nursery for a little bit on Sundays than sitting my lap for several hours straight (sunday school + worship and sermon + after church Bible study is a lot for a little girl!)

I love watching her play with things! She has incredible dexterity in my opinion. She loves to pick up her blocks and letters and knock them together or transfer them from hand to hand. She still does not have a favorite stuffed animal or anything. She normally falls asleep with just a pacifier, though I try to let her snuggle with small objects if she would like. Her favorite "toy" in the world is our incredibly patient cat. Lorelei loves to grab the cat's tail, fur, ears, face, feet...everything she is not supposed to touch. The cat just seems to like the attention, since I do not give it as much as I should :-) She also is just so very thoughtful. She is alert and concerned and interested and thrilled with different things on a regular basis. I know I am biased, but I think she is quite special :-)

Also, though she is still getting up once or twice a night, her days seem better scheduled. She is eating and napping at pretty much the same times per day, and it is working for us. She is supposed to be napping now, but is instead standing in her crib and screaming. Oh the joys :-)

Overall, I am enjoying her very much. I love that she plays with me now, and is definitely a momma's girl. It is incredible to feel this kind of love for her and from her!

Baby Survey

In honor of Lorelei turning six months old this week I thought I would reflect a bit on my pregnancy/her birth...

1. Were you married at the time? Yes ma'am

2. What was your reaction when you found out you were pregnant? I got really teary and excited. I wanted this so so badly and while I was not shocked, I still could not believe I had gotten what I wanted so much!

3. How old were you? 22 when I found out, 23 when she was born.

4. How did you find out you were pregnant? I was at a point where I knew an early positive result could show up so I started testing with these cheap internet tests early that week. They all looked negative to me. Then randomly on Wednesday night, I double checked the one I took that morning (which ironically had not been thrown away yet...ewwww!) and it looked like there was a second line that had appeared after the "waiting period," you know, when it is supposed to be invalid. Since I had a feeling anyway that I could be pregnant, I asked my friend Sarah to take me to CVS the next day to get a digital test that actually said "pregnant" or "not pregnant." I actually waited until the next morning, July 3, to take it and it was very quick and clear with the answer!

5. Who did you tell first? I ran downstairs to our bedroom to tell my husband (we were living in my parents' basement at the time,) and he was still asleep. I woke him up and said "you are going to be a daddy!" He smiled that half-wake smile, gave me a hug and said something like "See! I knew we could do it!"...then fell back asleep. In all fairness, it was six a.m. on his day off. So after talking to him, I ran outside and called Diane and Gretchen, two of my dear friends. As the day went on we called a couple more close friends, and told our families by the end of the weekend.

6. Did you want to find out the sex? There was no doubt in my mind! I scheduled that appointment as early as I could (about 18 weeks.)

7. Due date? The Dr. due date was March 14. The one in my head was March 10.

8. Did you deliver early or late? Early! I was so convinced I would go late as first time moms tend to do, but she was born on March 9 at 7:25 p.m.

9. Did you have morning sickness? I had a lot of nausea and food aversions, but I think I only threw up a few times. I did go about two months where I ate a lot of soup and crackers. I had all-day headaches which were way worse than morning sickness to me.

10. What did you crave? Taco Bell, soup (all different kinds, all the time,) pasta, sushi...but a lot of those things I crave regularly. It was just way more intense when pregnant.

11. What irritated you the most? There was a woman at my office who felt the need to tell me EVERY week how much I had popped over to the weekend. I finally said something like "no I popped months ago, now I am just getting bigger." This same woman also liked to predict whether I would go early or late according to my energy level. SO annoying. Also, I was pregnant at the same time as one of my good friends from church (due two days apart,) and because she is tall and thin, she showed way later than me. Making me look HUGE, even though I looked pretty normal! Lots of people came up to us at church and would make comments on how I couldn't possibily be due the same time as her because I was so much bigger. Other than that, I didn't mind people commenting or touching my belly too much.

12. What was your first child’s sex? Girl. And let me tell you, even though I would have been thrilled and thankful either way, I wanted a girl so badly. I didn't believe it when I found out and made them check every time I had an ultrasound throughout the pregnancy.

13. How many pounds did you gain throughout the pregnancy? about 25 lbs, and yes, it is all gone ;-)

14. Did you have any complications during your pregnancy? Very minor things, like a little spotting or low iron. I was in a car accident at 20 weeks, which made some things very emotionally complicated.

15. Where did you give birth? a very large and popular hospital near where I live. It had a great NICU, which I thankfully did not have to use. My birth experience there was really disappointing.

16. How many hours were you in labor? About 14 hours total. I labored at home for a while, then walked the hospital grounds for a while. By the time I got admitted, I only had 4 cms and 2.5 hours to go.

17. Who drove you to the hospital? My husband. We made it a point not to tell our parents until after we knew we were staying so not to get anyone's hopes up. We left for the hospital at about noon, but took hours before we actually were admitted.

18 . Did you take medicine to ease the pain? I took nothing, which was exactly how I wanted it. It was horribly painful and awful, but I am proud of the decision I made. However, the hospital I was at had about a 97% epidural rate, so as you can imagine, I was a rarity. And the hospital staff definitely made that known. They were very unsupportive and unencouraging of my decision to go natural and it ultimately made it more painful, tense and difficult. I am so thankful that my labor was quick and Allen was supportive of my desire to have a natural birth.

19 . How much did your child weigh? 7lbs 6 oz

20 . What did you name him/her? Lorelei Rose

21 . How old is your first born today? Almost six months old! I can't believe it!

22. Who does your child look like? It is no question that she looks exactly like her daddy, because she has his eye shape, forehead and hair line. She has my nose, cheeks and mouth, and looks like me when she smiles. I really hope she has blue eyes like me, but I think they are turning hazel or grey.

23. Did you get mad at your husband during labor? I didn't. I remember wanting him close to me and touching my back or my hands (though I didn't want him to kiss me like he kept doing :-)) With the awful hospital experience, I felt like he was pretty much the only person on my side and I felt otherwise very confused and alone. But in the end it really doesn't matter because Lorelei and I were both
healthy, and I ultimately had the type of birth I wanted.

Discouraged Lately + the Schedule Part 2

I am kinda bummed out and in a funk, and I wish I could figure out what to do!

I had to change my 30 day shred because the workouts were too high impact on my joints. I felt like half of the exercises were not tiring me out, but were killing my knees, which have arthritis. I knew I was overdoing it, and had to figure out a new plan. So I am trying to do pilates every other day and walk a lot. I am not going to lose 15 lbs doing pilates, but hopefully I will make my muscles and joints stronger so I can return to the Shred. While I know I am making the right decision for my body, it is discouraging. I have had arthritis since I was about ten years old, and while it did not ruin my life or anything, it definitely has made it harder. It is really weird being a kid and not holding a pencil right, or never being able to play sports, or having to skip most gym activities in high school because you have an ailment that normally plagues people who are 50+. And the worst of it is I was in remission last year. I was hoping to stay in remission until I was done having babies so I could have more ability to carry them around. But it is looking like it is coming back.

Even more discouraging than that is Lorelei's sleep schedule. She just will not sleep through the night and I do not know how to make her, and I still struggle with to what end I SHOULD be forcing it. I do not have a problem fundamentally with letting her Cry it Out at this age; I just don't know how to do it when she gets up in the middle of the night. She cries it out for naps and when I put her down for the night, but she normally soothes herself to sleep. However when she wakes herself up, she cannot go back to sleep without being nursed. And you know, I would not mind that if it happened at the same times every night. I only get so much time to have that bond with my baby and I don't want to trade that comfort and closeness for some rigid standard that my kid MUST sleep on her own. BUT I also don't like getting up at different times every night and having that throw off the whole day. She goes to bed normally at 8:30. Sometimes she is up every 4 hours like clockwork until 8:30am. Sometimes she sleeps six hours and then three more then two more. Sometimes she sleeps even longer (such as eight straight hours!) and then two more after that. This morning, after getting up at two-something, she got up at five thirty and wanted to be up for the day. My husband graciously got up with her so I could rest a little more and she cat napped in the swing sometime between six thirty and seven thirty, but I am still exhausted.

With her waking up in different intervals every night and at different times every morning, it is so hard to plan a day, especially in regard to her nap times. I know I should have a set wakeup time and stick to that whether she is in her crib playing (or screaming) or if she had just gotten up two hours before, but when she has a rough night, it makes me almost dysfunctional the next morning, and it is much easier to "sleep in" with her a little. Better yet, I SHOULD be at least trying to let her cry when she gets up in the middle of the night so she can learn to soothe herself back to sleep if she is indeed just fussy, but that could go on for such a long time! During the day if she takes a short nap and gets up, she is up. She will not soothe herself back to sleep, even if I let her cry for 30 minutes (by the time all that has passed, she is frustrated and naptime is over anyway.) I don't like the thought of listening to her cry at 4am when I can easily put her back to sleep in less than ten minutes, and I don't want her to wake up Allen when he gets up for work between 5 and 6 daily.

Furthermore, when she started getting up in the middle of the night two months ago, I think it was because she was having a growth spurt and was genuinely hungry. She used to sleep ten hours a night for months before that, so it is not like my kid never slept through the night. Since she is such a finicky eater, I kind of like having the extra feeding or so to get some calories in her, thought again, it would be nice if it was the same time every night. I do not mind a 4 am feeding, if it is indeed a 4 am feeding! I do not see that as spoiling my child, but meeting a need. But what Lorelei is doing is clearly not exactly waking up and eating because she is hungry, but rather because she can. Such a fine line. Maybe starting solids next week will help!

And also, while I think maybe I am a bit more indulgent than I should to her bad habits, I think that the concept of parent-led scheduling can easily turn into schedule-led parents. I have known people who are SO obsessed with the rigid schedules they must enforce on their newborns, or avoiding "bad habits," that they sacrifice their own comfort regularily to stick to them, and lose some chances to comfort their child in certain circumstances. I completely agree with the advantages and even the goal of having your child have set bedtimes and naptimes and feeding times. I mean, we are the parents and they are the children. However, so often this ideal becomes an idol, and children are not cookie cutouts or robots who will always be able to abide by exactly what we want. For example, when Lorelei was a few weeks to a few months old and had those eating issues, the "schedule enforcers" were telling me to feed her every three hours, have "eat activity sleep" time regularly, and to let her start crying it out. Well my baby had eating issues, had to be force-fed sometimes up to fifteen times a day just to get her weight up and needed to spend a lot of time bonding with me to establish our nursing relationship. What good would I possibly do her letting her cry then or not listening to HER needs? In my mind, the ideal is when the parent follows the child's cues for a while and sees if a pattern emerges, and then tries to tweak that pattern into the "schedule." And within reason, that has kind of worked for us.

And another whole facet that people do not often consider when they talk about the schedule is that exclusively breastfed babies meet more than just their hunger needs at the breast, and need to eat more than the bottle-fed or cereal-fed baby to establish supply and get enough food. Lorelei could simply be needing to nurse at night occasionaly not because she is manipulating me or is spoiled, but because she is a child who is older than four months old and still only breastfed, which is sadly a rarity these days. So should I deny her that to teach her to sleep through the night? Again, a fine line!

Now I realize that Lorelei is now approaching six months and while we have a routine, we do not have the set bedtimes and naptimes that we probably should have. And I do believe she absolutely should be sleeping through the night most of the time at this age, and she is not because I gave into her too often and too soon. Again, I am not saying my way is right, as my daughter is definitely in a bad pattern that needs to be changed. But while I would love for her to sleep through the night, I do not want to be ruled by the fact that she must ALWAYS wake and sleep exactly when I want her to. Sometimes she may actually need me, and I want to be in tune to that. Many young children who sleep just fine may occassionally wake up and need mommy, and no one thinks twice about that! I used to be afraid of the dark, have nightmares, have belly aches or just be restless, and my parents did not withhold comfort from me. A baby is newer to this world, has more literal needs that she can only get from a parent, and does not have the ability to reason or think, so why is it in her best interest to ignore her when she cries in the middle of the night? I understand that I want to instill independence and good sleeping habits and the ability to self soothe, but at what expense? She is only this little once. And while it is technically "breaking the rules," I LOVE sometimes snuggling in my bed with her when she wakes up a bit too early rather than teaching her to "self soothe" in her crib. She has her whole life to be taught; I only have so much time to get in these snuggles before she does not need them anymore!

When it is all said and done, I worry about doing right by her. I want to train her well to be independent at night, but I also want to be a mommy who will break a routine if she needs some extra attention. I want to instill structure in her life, but also give plenty of affection. Where is the balance?

And honestly...I really DO want a good night's sleep!