I am kinda bummed out and in a funk, and I wish I could figure out what to do!
I had to change my 30 day shred because the workouts were too high impact on my joints. I felt like half of the exercises were not tiring me out, but were killing my knees, which have arthritis. I knew I was overdoing it, and had to figure out a new plan. So I am trying to do pilates every other day and walk a lot. I am not going to lose 15 lbs doing pilates, but hopefully I will make my muscles and joints stronger so I can return to the Shred. While I know I am making the right decision for my body, it is discouraging. I have had arthritis since I was about ten years old, and while it did not ruin my life or anything, it definitely has made it harder. It is really weird being a kid and not holding a pencil right, or never being able to play sports, or having to skip most gym activities in high school because you have an ailment that normally plagues people who are 50+. And the worst of it is I was in remission last year. I was hoping to stay in remission until I was done having babies so I could have more ability to carry them around. But it is looking like it is coming back.
Even more discouraging than that is Lorelei's sleep schedule. She just will not sleep through the night and I do not know how to make her, and I still struggle with to what end I SHOULD be forcing it. I do not have a problem fundamentally with letting her Cry it Out at this age; I just don't know how to do it when she gets up in the middle of the night. She cries it out for naps and when I put her down for the night, but she normally soothes herself to sleep. However when she wakes herself up, she cannot go back to sleep without being nursed. And you know, I would not mind that if it happened at the same times every night. I only get so much time to have that bond with my baby and I don't want to trade that comfort and closeness for some rigid standard that my kid MUST sleep on her own. BUT I also don't like getting up at different times every night and having that throw off the whole day. She goes to bed normally at 8:30. Sometimes she is up every 4 hours like clockwork until 8:30am. Sometimes she sleeps six hours and then three more then two more. Sometimes she sleeps even longer (such as eight straight hours!) and then two more after that. This morning, after getting up at two-something, she got up at five thirty and wanted to be up for the day. My husband graciously got up with her so I could rest a little more and she cat napped in the swing sometime between six thirty and seven thirty, but I am still exhausted.
With her waking up in different intervals every night and at different times every morning, it is so hard to plan a day, especially in regard to her nap times. I know I should have a set wakeup time and stick to that whether she is in her crib playing (or screaming) or if she had just gotten up two hours before, but when she has a rough night, it makes me almost dysfunctional the next morning, and it is much easier to "sleep in" with her a little. Better yet, I SHOULD be at least trying to let her cry when she gets up in the middle of the night so she can learn to soothe herself back to sleep if she is indeed just fussy, but that could go on for such a long time! During the day if she takes a short nap and gets up, she is up. She will not soothe herself back to sleep, even if I let her cry for 30 minutes (by the time all that has passed, she is frustrated and naptime is over anyway.) I don't like the thought of listening to her cry at 4am when I can easily put her back to sleep in less than ten minutes, and I don't want her to wake up Allen when he gets up for work between 5 and 6 daily.
Furthermore, when she started getting up in the middle of the night two months ago, I think it was because she was having a growth spurt and was genuinely hungry. She used to sleep ten hours a night for months before that, so it is not like my kid never slept through the night. Since she is such a finicky eater, I kind of like having the extra feeding or so to get some calories in her, thought again, it would be nice if it was the same time every night. I do not mind a 4 am feeding, if it is indeed a 4 am feeding! I do not see that as spoiling my child, but meeting a need. But what Lorelei is doing is clearly not exactly waking up and eating because she is hungry, but rather because she can. Such a fine line. Maybe starting solids next week will help!
And also, while I think maybe I am a bit more indulgent than I should to her bad habits, I think that the concept of parent-led scheduling can easily turn into schedule-led parents. I have known people who are SO obsessed with the rigid schedules they must enforce on their newborns, or avoiding "bad habits," that they sacrifice their own comfort regularily to stick to them, and lose some chances to comfort their child in certain circumstances. I completely agree with the advantages and even the goal of having your child have set bedtimes and naptimes and feeding times. I mean, we are the parents and they are the children. However, so often this ideal becomes an idol, and children are not cookie cutouts or robots who will always be able to abide by exactly what we want. For example, when Lorelei was a few weeks to a few months old and had those eating issues, the "schedule enforcers" were telling me to feed her every three hours, have "eat activity sleep" time regularly, and to let her start crying it out. Well my baby had eating issues, had to be force-fed sometimes up to fifteen times a day just to get her weight up and needed to spend a lot of time bonding with me to establish our nursing relationship. What good would I possibly do her letting her cry then or not listening to HER needs? In my mind, the ideal is when the parent follows the child's cues for a while and sees if a pattern emerges, and then tries to tweak that pattern into the "schedule." And within reason, that has kind of worked for us.
And another whole facet that people do not often consider when they talk about the schedule is that exclusively breastfed babies meet more than just their hunger needs at the breast, and need to eat more than the bottle-fed or cereal-fed baby to establish supply and get enough food. Lorelei could simply be needing to nurse at night occasionaly not because she is manipulating me or is spoiled, but because she is a child who is older than four months old and still only breastfed, which is sadly a rarity these days. So should I deny her that to teach her to sleep through the night? Again, a fine line!
Now I realize that Lorelei is now approaching six months and while we have a routine, we do not have the set bedtimes and naptimes that we probably should have. And I do believe she absolutely should be sleeping through the night most of the time at this age, and she is not because I gave into her too often and too soon. Again, I am not saying my way is right, as my daughter is definitely in a bad pattern that needs to be changed. But while I would love for her to sleep through the night, I do not want to be ruled by the fact that she must ALWAYS wake and sleep exactly when I want her to. Sometimes she may actually need me, and I want to be in tune to that. Many young children who sleep just fine may occassionally wake up and need mommy, and no one thinks twice about that! I used to be afraid of the dark, have nightmares, have belly aches or just be restless, and my parents did not withhold comfort from me. A baby is newer to this world, has more literal needs that she can only get from a parent, and does not have the ability to reason or think, so why is it in her best interest to ignore her when she cries in the middle of the night? I understand that I want to instill independence and good sleeping habits and the ability to self soothe, but at what expense? She is only this little once. And while it is technically "breaking the rules," I LOVE sometimes snuggling in my bed with her when she wakes up a bit too early rather than teaching her to "self soothe" in her crib. She has her whole life to be taught; I only have so much time to get in these snuggles before she does not need them anymore!
When it is all said and done, I worry about doing right by her. I want to train her well to be independent at night, but I also want to be a mommy who will break a routine if she needs some extra attention. I want to instill structure in her life, but also give plenty of affection. Where is the balance?
And honestly...I really DO want a good night's sleep!
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