One whole month...

That is how long it has been since I have last blogged! And what a month of blessing.
I could start with the excuses; shortly after my last post, our AC broke and we endured too many days of a heatwave before packing up to stay with my parents. And using their internet makes me remember the days of dialup ten years ago, so a blog post was just not feasible. We were too busy trying to keep my little tinker cool and happy and still on some semblance of a schedule. But the coolest thing is how people cared for us through this time. When our AC broke, I posted something on facebook asking for some help staying cool, and several people volunteered fans for us. Allen's parents loaned us a window unit that kept Lorelei safe from overheating during her naps and at night. And finally, when it just got to be too much, my parents opened their entire home for us and fed us for a whole five days. It helped us buy some time to find a repair man and save the money for it, and when it was all said and done, it was not nearly as bad as we thought!






And then we went on Lorelei's first vacation to Allen's family cabin in the mountains. It was another huge blessing because it was through the generocity of family members and friends helping us out with travel and cooking our meals during the trip, we were able to take a vacation we otherwise could not afford. What a gift to have a few days in a beautiful place with family all around.






And now we are back home and life goes on.
Lorelei is four months and one week old. She is learning and growing every day, and still very much the light of my life. Some stats:
-She is still quite the peanut; only in the 15th percentile for weight, yet the 35th for height.
-When she is in the mood to (and only then) she will roll back and forth from belly to back. She rolls so much that I had to stop swaddling her in her woombie at night because she can flop on her face and stretch out like she is doing a back bend.
-She is eating about six times a day and taking about 3-4 mini naps a day. I would love to turn that into two legit naps. Working on that.
-She started laughing. And has done it approximately three times since the very first time two weeks ago. It is glorious.
-She is in a huge "everything in the mouth" phase; anything she can hold onto she instantly will start to nom on. Her new trick is taking her pacifier out of her mouth so she can chew on the wrong end of it. Or she will take a dive at my face and try to suck on my nose (ew) or my mouth or whatever she can get to.
-She is interested in toys now to some degree. Her favorite is a pink elephant named Effie and a little stuffed doll-thing we call Pea. And by favorite, I mean that she seems to like to nom on them a bit more intently than her other toys.
-She still will not take a bottle. She still screams like a banshee almost every time we try. I had to go through a 7 hour training about a half hour from my house and my mom had to bring her to me twice so I could nurse her in the parking lot. Spoiled much? I am going to start her on a sippy cup (hopefully) this month and in two months we start solids!




Speaking of training, I am working part-time from home. I have a couple of meetings and trainings away from home, and besides the one really long one, it is actually quite a nice arrangement. I love setting my own hours and scheduling around Lorelei's needs, but at the same time, I also love having something to do that reflects my skills. It is a huge blessing!


Other than that, we are living life and loving each other. I am so thankful for my family and all of those who cared for us during the past few months. And every day is beautiful because I get to spend it with my sweet girl. God is kind to me.

Scheduling

My child is officially three months old, and I am starting to think it is time to put her on a schedule and start enforcing it. However, with the habits that Lorelei has gotten used to so far, it seems that I will not be able to put her on a schedule unless I let her "cry it out" a little...something I have had mixed feelings about since before she was born.

Prior to now, we have been pretty much doing things on demand. After we got through that long and difficult time of nursing her every 1-2 hours (where she pretty much just slept in between,) I tried to start feeding her on demand so she could regulate her eating and my supply. Then I started to try the "eat, activity, sleep" thing, where I would feed her as soon as she woke up, try to keep her up for a while, then put her to sleep when she seemed tired. With a few exceptions, this had been working. However, she had only been taking her naps on my chest and in her swing, and every time I tried to lay her down, she would cry and wake herself up. At night she slept fine in her pack and play/bassinett thing, but almost always had to be nursed right before bed.

Now that my summer work-from-home jobs are starting, it is starting to be inconvenient that I can not give predictable times to get work done because she is napping. It is hard to set work hours when I could be tending to her any given hour of the day. Her frequency of eating and sleeping was pretty regular, but with different intervals. So here I am, trying to put her on a sort of "schedule," and also have her sleep in the pack and play (so I can eventually transfer her to the crib) for her naps.

So here is the plan: I am taking note of every time she eats and sleeps, noting the duration of the naps, for an entire week to see if a pattern emerges. With that, I will try to create some more solidified times of her eating and sleeping, with her still essentially leading the schedule (I am picking the times from her on-demand schedule, and then trying to narrow them down a little.) I am not sure if this will work, but hopefully it is worth a shot. I also gave in and swaddled her for a nap today (normally we just do that at bedtime,) and she actually slept for an hour and a half in her pack and play. I was so excited! Hopefully it will be easier to wean her from swaddling eventually, but for now, that is what works.

The hardest part of this schedule is the cry it out thing. Cry it out was something I was told you let babies do from a young age so that they do not learn "bad habits" or manipulate you when you are trying to put them on a schedule directed by parents. I was told this by family members, some friends, and a few well-meaning books. Then over my pregnancy, I joined a message board full of women who equated letting a baby cry it out to abandonment and would threaten to call Child Protective Services if someone posted that they let their under-4-month-old do it. I am not kidding. I found my own beliefs somewhere in the middle. I defintitely knew that my daughter has needs, especially as an infant, and crying is her only way to comunicate them. Especially with her eating issues, I had to follow her cues. However, if there came a time where I was doing something and I knew she was OK, I would let her cry for a few minutes. I also know that never enforcing some form of sleep training seems impractical, and babies under 4 months old can learn habits (maybe not life-changing ones, but hard-to-break ones.) While my newborn may have had some confusion if I did not respond to her cries, my 3 month old is not going to be scarred for life if I decide to start sleep-training her. She is becoming smarter and more interactive, and she knows now that I respond to her crying. If she is crying in her pack and play and I walk in and she immediately stops, I know she is not crying because she needs something. She just wants me around. And while I LOVE that my touch and my presence can calm her, I want to have some freedom to get other things done and for her to learn some form of self-soothing.

So here I am, faced with a dilemma. I do not want to be one who lets my little girl cry for 45 minutes straight until she falls asleep in exhaustion. I still think she is too young for that. I also do not want to be the mother of a three month old whose world entirely revolves around not only my baby's needs but her constant desire for comfort. Does that make me selfish or cruel? Am I putting my desires above my child's or am I helping her in the long run? I have seen friends on both ends of this spectrum, and both have different battles to face. I wish there was a right answer.

I am now seeking counsel from friends who I know have dealt with this. In the meantime, I am letting her cry in small intervals, and it is kind of working. For her nap, she cried for about three minutes, I went in to sooth her (without picking her up) and she fell right to sleep. Tonight at bedtime, she cried for about an hour WITH me holding her and trying to rock her into a drowsy state. I finally put her to bed and she cried again. After several tries from both Allen and I to soothe her (after each she cried as soon as we stepped away,) I came into the room to find Allen had unzipped her Woombie (swaddler,) was holding her hands and gently shaking the pack and play to "rock" her to sleep (which eventually worked.) So I guess tonight's "sleep training" was a fail? We will see what tomorrow brings.

Staying Home

I am sure most of my (few) readers know this by now, but I quit my job upon having Lorelei so that I could stay home with her. It was not a difficult decision; it was something I have always wanted for my family and my children and myself. But it was definitely something that I knew would challenge us. Before having Lorelei, I worked in the marketing department at a very corporate company. I worked the usual 40-45 hours a week and commuted almost an hour each way. While it was definitely not the type of job I saw myself in, I made great money for someone only a few years out of college and had great benefits, not to mention was gaining great experience. It was certainly humbling and a little scarey driving away from the building after giving my resignation, knowing the financial security that I had just walked away from. For several weeks, we were able to pretend that we still had two incomes. I got paid out vacation and we were pretty ahead of things. But this week, the inevitable happened: the fact that we are now a single-income family caught up to us, and it has made me anxious.



Allen and I have been generally wise with money, and have made provisions for this time, but it still was shocking to see on paper how hard it is to be a stay home mom in today's economy. But through it all, God is so kind and gracious, and I know we will be perfectly fine. God has blessed us so much. He gave me a husband who works harder than anyone I know, who has a great job. He goes above and beyond what is asked of him on a daily basis, and for the most part, has a cheerful heart and a love for his job that is rare today. He gets up early and works late to do what is best for our family, and when he gets home and is tired, he still has a huge smile on his face for Lorelei, a kiss for me, and still does the dinner dishes :-) I adore him!




Aside from that, God has already shown us so much encouragement. Every time I get discouraged, a dear friend says to me "Diana, you are doing God's will for your child by raising her and teaching her His truths. He is going to bless you!" I know He will too! Two summers ago, I was unemployed, and God had an uncanny way of providing the exact amount we needed at exactly the time we needed it, no more and no sooner. I am sure He will do the same again. He provided a great part-time work-from-home job for me that will start in the fall, which will give us just the little extra we need and help me to keep up in my skills. He also was gracious to make the time between my quitting my previous job and starting this next one a short as possible so that we were not tight for a long time.

We are learning a lot through this already. I have been learning to budget and meal plan and schedule better than I ever have in my life. Soon, I hope to learn to coupon and bargain shop better! I learned to cloth diaper to save money on baby necessities, and I actually really enjoy it! I am learning to be creative and make things that I want. We are also learning to pray very specifically for the things we need, and to thank God for all He has given us more regularly. Before this time, my prayer life was not that great, and God has been drawing us to Him and teaching us how much more peace we have if we take our cares to Him.



Even though at times I am anxious about the changes in our lives, I am really happier than I have ever been. I get to spend every day with the most precious and sweet girl in the world, who is continually showing me her funny personality. I may not be able to buy her tons of toys or fancy clothes, but I can pray with her all day, nurse her exclusively for as long as I want, read her stories in the middle of the morning, and have a buddy when I do (copious amounts of) laundry. I can go on playdates in the daytime and visit my grandmothers or someone from church who may need a smile. I can join a regular Bible study! We can go outside and walk around our yard, looking at the pretty things God made (I get to cook fun meals for my husband to come home to and learn how to be better at making my house pretty (ask my dad- I am not the world's best cleaner!) How could I not be thankful?



Sometimes I am a little sad about giving up my "career" so young. I am 23 and not really progressing toward any sort of advancement in Public Relations and Marketing. But then I remember that I am still "working," in what I think is one of the most honorable jobs in the world. I am a stay-home mother.

The Bottle

Lorelei is in our room with her daddy and he is trying to give her a bottle. I am trying to distract myself. She has not had a bottle since she was two weeks old, and because of all the nursing issues, I did not want to try to introduce one lest she decide to prefer it to me and get all confused. However, we decided to introduce one so that we can go out sometimes or so Allen can have a part in feeding her. It is not something that we intend to do every day or anything, and we are still going to fill it with breast milk...we just wanted her to be able to take it if it was ever necessary. Well Lorelei has other ideas.
I am starting to think maybe we waited a liiiittle too long because she cries every time someone tries to give her a bottle (someone other than me...I do not want her to associate me with it.) Allen has tried a few times, and each time she cries after she drinks a little, and then she starts coughing and not swallowing it well, so he gives her back to me to feed her. One time we left her with my mom and a bottle while we went out to dinner, thinking that maybe if I was totally out of the house she would take it, and we came home to her screaming and I had to promptly feed her as soon as I walked in the door. (Thankfully they had only tried it a few minutes before we got home.) We are trying to make it so her bottle feeding is as easy as possible; we got a bottle that is supposed to mimic the breast (so she has to work for the milk rather than it just pouring in and startling her) and I always leave the room so she can't even smell me. But she is just not digging it right now. As we speak, she is crying in the next room with daddy, but at least I think she is drinking a little...

I have to say, while I want her to have this bonding with Allen, it makes me really emotional. I LOVE being the sole giver of her food and love having her nurse on me, and I am still afraid that she will like the bottle more than me and decide not to nurse anymore. The first few times that we tried the bottle, I got really choked up and teary and was secretly kind of relieved when she did not want it...I know that is selfish, but it is how I feel. I don't mind that she is a momma's girl most of the time :-) She is my girl! Now if only she looked a little like me :-) Oh and tonight's bottle = fail. She is fed up and coming out to nurse now. Sigh. Guess we will try another day!

Here are my three favorite pictures from memorial day today:

Day to Day

I am so bad at writing things down. Sometimes I feel a pang of guilt that I don't know the exact date of her first smile (but who does, really...I mean when do you really know those little facial spasms are actual smiles,) or the first time the coo'ed rather than grunted. So this entry is to say what Miss Lorelei Rose is doing these days, at age 2 months, one week and four days:

I am trying to introduce some semblance of a schedule, while still sort of feeding on demand. The good thing is she tends to eat within the same hours every day, give or take a couple of feedings, and is normally in bed from 9/10ish til 4/5ish, then is asleep again til 8-10ish. During the day, I am trying to do an "eat, activity, sleep" thing as much as possible (though sometimes she does not feel that) and she takes about one (maybe two) good 2 hour naps a day (which is either in the morning or afternoon), and a bunch of little 20-45 minute ones. During activity time, I am trying to be more interactive.

Our activities consist of:
-having tummy time in front of a mirror (like any girl, her reflection can sometimes distract her long enough to keep her from melting down.)
-me laying on my belly with her so we can read together
-dancing to whatever I feel like putting on (which is normally something from the Glee sountrack or Michael Buble's "Haven't Met You Yet.")...I am holding off on Baby Mozart and Kindermusik as long as I can ;-)
-her laying on her back on her activity mat staring at her mirror and randomly batting toys.


She smiles ALL the time now, normally when I am changing her diaper. In fact, normally whenever I look at her she breaks out in a ridiculous huge grin...and yet she does not really share that grin with others. As much as I love being that special someone to make her smile, I wish she would let others see it. Unfortunately, smiles for daddy are rare. We are working on that.


She coos now, also normally while I am changing her diaper. She makes these cute little gurling sounds that I love. Sometimes we have conversations about life and such.

She has occasional screaming fits, normally if she is really tired or her belly hurts or she is in pain (like when she decided to throw her head back against the wall one time as we were leaving her bedroom :-(.) They are very nerve-wracking and make me sad.

She has an adorable summer wardrobe and I wish it would stay warm so she can wear it!

She takes showers with me. I have a giant double shower which I put her tub in, and she just looks at the water and sticks her tongue out while I wash my hair. Then I was her and pick her up so the water can rinse her up. It is very relaxing.

She sucks her hands all the time, so much that I am often confused as to whether or not she is actually hungry.

She melts my heart regularly. I still can't believe she is my daughter and I get to spend every day with her. I love her so much!

Mothers Day

I had my first mothers day this past Sunday.
It was so strange...I felt like I was playing a character or a role in a play. I mean, I know I am a mother. But it was like I was a Mother with a capital M. People who I never speak to were wishing me a happy mothers day. I felt like I was in this special club, one that I felt so ill equiped for. I mean, I have been a mother for 2 months (Lorelei was two months exactly on mothers day) and there were women who have been mothers for years and years. So in my two months of motherhood, here is when I have most felt like a mother and what I learned.

When we were in the hospital and Lorelei was already having breastfeeding issues, we would pray for Jesus to bless our food before about every nursing session. I learned that praying with my child needed to start at birth.

When the doctors prescribed her formula when she was jaundiced and I insisted that I try to pump and feed her breastmilk first against their wishes, I learned that sometimes I knew better than the doctors for my child. (note- I have nothing against mothers who formula feed; I just wanted that to be a last choice for us, not what we went to right away when breastfeeding was not working.)

When Lorelei didn't gain weight and I had to nurse nonstop for weeks, trying different schedules and patterns, I learned that even if I dreaded it before, I would do whatever it took in the blink of an eye to make my baby better.



When Lorelei finally did gain a LOT of weight, I learned that I could be proud of us for working together, and that God would reward us for doing what we thought was best for her.

When she is asleep in her swing and I take her out just to cuddle her, I learn that it is OK to stop what I am doing just to snuggle with my baby. I only get to do it for so long.

When we sing and dance to Michael Buble and Journey instead of Baby Mozart, I learned that I can share what I like with her, and she loves sharing it with me.

When I watch my husband love her and kiss her and snuggle her, I learn that I can fall more in love with her daddy...and that is just as important as loving her, if not more.

When I decided to stay home with her, even though sometimes it does not make sense financially, I learned that making this sacrifice is the biggest gift I can give her, and that my husband can give me...and God will bless us for it.



When I spend some 10 hours a day alone with just her, doing laundry, watching tv shows and cuddling on the couch, I learned that she is already becoming my best friend and we do not need to be constantly entertained.

When a dear friend had a baby two weeks apart from us and we started going on weekly playdates, I learned that mothers need support and empathy SO much.

When I watch my mother love my daughter, her granddaughter, I learn that she is my biggest example of a mother. I learn that sometimes I still need my mother.

When she bumped her head today and I wanted to cry, I learned that I will always want to make it all better and hate seeing my baby in pain (she is fine, by the way)

When we started reading together at bedtime, I learned that even though she can't understand the words, she needs to hear them.



When she cries and my touch instantly calms her, I learn that sometimes mommy is all she needs and I need to give that to her as much as I can.

When she started smiling at me, I learned that was the biggest treasure of my day, one that I looked forward to and tried to coax all day long.

And when she started doing it all day long, I learned I would never get tired of it.

Everytime I look at her face, I know that she is one of my biggest blessings and greatest sources of joy. Being a mother is a beautiful job, one that is created by God and that God, and no man, can hire. I am so honored to be Lorelei's mother, and to learn so much from her already.

Smile

And this makes it all worth it.


I adore her.