Pondering these things...

One of my favorite Bible characters is Mary. I know this is a bit of a cliche, but I really admire the innocence, and yet worldliness that she had to posses at the same time. Mary had such innocence when the angel told her the good news, with her incredulous response. Of course she was a sinner like the rest of us; but she clearly was blessed with a rare measure of grace to have found such favor with God. However, I'll bet Mary had hopes and dreams like any other teenage girl; she had met her man, and was betrothed, probably eagerly anticipating her wedding. She valued purity, and held her virtue in high regard.

After Mary conceived Jesus by the Holy Spirit, she had surely grew up overnight. She had the human form of God growing inside her. She was probably scorned and judged for her pregnancy. She was almost divorced by her intended. She made an awful journey at one of the most vulnerable (and uncomfortable) times of a woman's life. And then, after enduring the raw intensity of a natural birth in less-than-ideal conditions, she gazed into the tiny newborn face the Son of God, and loved him, not only as her Savior, but as her child. And as she looked into his face, she may have remembered the prophesies. She knew as soon as her infant child was in her arms that he would live a difficult life, then be tortured and die; but the Bible does not say that she focused on those things. At her child's birthday, she treasured up these special moments, and pondered them in her heart.

Last year, I was about six months pregnant at Christmas time. I was round and full with child, and my daughter consistently moved and squirmed inside me. I was glowing, and loved that time in my life. And I treasured being quite pregnant at the time of year when we celebrate Christ's birth. I loved the anticipation of meeting my dear little girl, and getting to know her life.



Unlike Mary, I do not have knowledge of a prophesy predicting how Lorelei's life will go (nor do I want one), but I also know enough to know that I need to treasure the moments I can, just like Mary did. So, on Lorelei's first Christmas, these are the moments I treasure in my heart:

A couple of weeks before Christmas, we decorated our tree. Lorelei, of course, did not understand what was going on, but she was so involved with the action. She helped unwrap ornaments, grabbed them off the table and floor, and promptly stuck them in her mouth. I sat her on my lap and showed her some of my favorite ones. We dressed her in Christmas pajamas, and let her crawl around the living room. After the tree was decorated, we turned on only the Christmas lights, so the rest of the room was dark. We held her up to the tree, and watched as her eyes fixated on the lights, and her tiny hands reached out to grab them. She stared and smiled and snuggled and watched in wonder and awe.










My daddy brought Lorelei a Christmas dress from Germany. It was simple and elegant, a dark brown courduroy with a satin braid around the collar and a light layer of tulle underneath. Equipped only with a brief description during a transatlantic phone call, and a couple of cell phone pictures, I bought her shoes and made her a hairband the day before we saw it for real. Even though it was still a few days before Christmas, I had to try it on her the moment he brought it home. It fit her perfectly, and she looked so beautiful.




On Christmas Eve, we went to church, and like always, Lorelei was rather squirmy, and eventually had to be taken out of the fellowship hall. However, during the music, she had a blast. She knows how to "dance" now, and she bobbed and wiggled to the Christmas carols with such a huge grin on her face.

After church, we went to my Aunt Lisa and Uncle Ron's house for a big Christmas Eve dinner. A bunch of my Italian relatives were there, and it was overwhelming and loud and full of love. Lorelei was passed around from aunt to uncle to cousin, and was snuggled and kissed and loved enough to tide her over until next Christmas. She was such a good girl, and loved trying new foods (like Spanakopita!), and receiving astronomical amounts of attention.





On Christmas morning, Lorelei woke up around 7, and I brought her to the living room where Allen and I had slept the night before. I nursed her under the tree, and snuggled with her, so excited to begin her first Christmas day. We placed her stocking in front of her, and encouraged her to pull her gifts out. We tried to show her how to tear the wrapping paper (she was not interested in it), and tried to show her each and every present slowly (she was not interested in them either). She preferred to sit in our laps and chew on anything that she got. But I could tell she sensed our excitement.







Christmas day, we were at Allen's family's, and Lorelei was very tired.  She fit the typical stereotype of the baby who couldn't care less about her gifts, but did not fit the stereotype of the baby who preferred to play with the paper and boxes. Instead, she wanted nothing to do with any of the opening of gifts (though they are some of her favorites now), and alternated between being very clingy, and getting into everything.  As frustrating as it was to constantly chase around an overwhelmed and overtired little girl, I treasure the fact that with everything going on that Christmas day, what she most wanted to do was climb in Allen's and my arms.





When we got home late Christmas evening, she was fast asleep. We put her to bed, still in her little red dress, and surveyed the mountain of gifts that now covered our living room. Our little darling had no idea how significant this day was in her life as she slept peacefully in her crib. She did not know that very soon, she would rip through all her gifts faster than it would take to wrap just one, or that she may prefer to play with toys than snuggle with momma someday. She did not know that we were celebrating the birth of a baby like her. All she knew is that she is loved, and that when she woke up, we would be there.

And she always is, and we always will.




"I'm bursting with God-news;
I'm dancing the song of my Savior God.
God took one good look at me, and look what happened—
I'm the most fortunate woman on earth!
What God has done for me will never be forgotten,
the God whose very name is holy, set apart from all others..." (Luke 1:46-47)

"Mary kept all these things to herself, holding them dear, deep within herself." (Luke 2:19)

The Message Translation

My Cloth Diapering Experience

Many of you know this already, but I have cloth diapered Lorelei since she was about two weeks old. I think I am at this point ready to give it up. The main reason is that since she started eating "big people food, she has been prone to a diaper rash that needs to have triple paste on it, and that stuff does not go well with CDs. The rash is not caused by the diapers; it is from her food I think. That said, I am so happy I had her in CDs as long as I did, and will absolutely have the future Paislettes in cloth too if I can. In fact, I will probably put Lorelei back in when she is potty training. I wanted to write a little post on my CD experience with hopes that it will shed some light on the decision I made (which many people thought I was nuts for,) and answer some of the most commonly ask questions that I get.


Lorelei in a SweetDollBaby velcro pocket

First of all, why did I even think to do this?
I first heard about present-day cloth diapering from my dear friend Julie, as she had her oldest in prefolds and covers. She answered my many questions about it, and the more I thought about it, it just made sense. Now, let me say that I did not choose to CD because of the environment or sensitive skin or because I am super into all things natural. Those are all perks for me, but not the main reason. I decided to CD Lorelei for one reason: Cost. As I was considering the expenses we would face once I became a stay home mom, and what things we could cut out or downsize on, cloth diapers seemed like a no-brainer. I have read that the average cost of disposable diapers can be about 750-1000 over the first year. We invested $300 in cloth diapering, and probably would have invested less had I known all the things about it I know now, and I can re-use my diapers for future children. For that reason alone, it was worth it.

But aren't cloth diapers those huge pieces of cloth that you stick with pins? Isn't that a pain, and unsafe?
Cloth diapers have really changed since my grandmother used them. They range from as basic as pre-folds and covers (which you do fold and "pin" with something called a snappi,) to All-In-One diapers (which look like disposables, but are made with cloth.) I am not going to use this post to get into all the details of different kinds of diapers and brands, because the information is so vast and there are so many opinions on it, but I will tell you what we did.

OK, then what DID you use?
We used a combination of pre-folds and covers, and then slowly moved to pocket diapers as Lorelei grew older. When Lorelei was two weeks old, the pre-folds came in the mail from this website. I ordered a starter kit of them, which included three dozen pre-folds (we really only needed about 2 dozen,) 5 covers (waterproof plastic covers, like a swim diaper,) and 4 pocket diapers (more on that later.) I also ordered snappis to fasten the prefolds with. There are tons of videos on the internet on how to fold them and fasten them, and I used about three different folds on Lorelei. Then, I put a waterproof cover over them so that she did not leak through her clothes. I had to replace the pre-fold at every change, but unless it had leaked through and was really messy, she could wear the same cover all day. At night, before she started sleeping through the night, we used disposables so that they were easy to deal with in the middle of the night. Even though pre-folds and covers are supposed to be the "hardest" cloth diapers to use (read: the ones least like disposables,) I did not find them hard at all. They took getting used to, but they were not ridiculously hard to put on an infant, and they held her mess in pretty well most of the time. And the best part- Allen knows how to use them too!


My package from WeeBunz



A prefold with a snappi. The cover goes over this.

Once she turned about three months old, I started using pocket diapers. These are bit harder to explain, but I will try. Basically, they look like a disposable diaper in their shape, and are fastened with either velcro or snaps (all sewed on the diaper, not separate like the pre-folds.) The part of the diaper that touches the baby is fleece or microfiber, and there is a pocket in the diaper where you stuff an insert (made out of an absorbent terry fabric,) and the insert absorbs the pee so it does not get all over the baby's skin. I had four of these diapers by name brands (FuzziBunz and BumGenius) which came with my starter kit, and I mostly used them for overnight, but never considered using them exclusively because they cost about 15-20 dollars PER DIAPER. However, through a message board I learned about this off-brand site called Sweet Doll Baby that sells them for $7.50 per diaper. I slowly started ordering from them, and now have about 15 of them which I used as Lorelei's main diapers until she was about 8 months old. I love them, and they are even easier for daddies and babysitters to use!



Lorelei in FuzziBunz diapers


What is so great about the Sweet Doll Baby Pocket Diapers?
Well first of all, they are cheap, and about as easy to use as a disposable. They are well-made, and the people who run the company have excellent customer service. If you have any problems with your diapers, they answer your questions, or sometimes send you a new one. The diapers are one-size, which means they adjust to grow with the baby (my friend had the same diapers on her big-for-his-age two year old, and her small-for-her-age six month old.) They come in both snaps and velcro, which is a nice variety. I personally prefer velcro for the fit, but within a few months and many washings, the velcro stops working. The snap diapers gapped a bit more on Lorelei (causing more blowouts and leaks,) but do not need fixing or replacing.


Velcro Diaper from SweetDollBaby

Snap Diaper from SweetDollBaby
Diapers and inserts

Alright, they sound cool and all, but aren't they gross to care for? What do you do with the dirty ones?
Honestly, I think that they are no worse than disposables. I put the dirty diapers in something called a wet bag, which is a vinyl bag that has a plasticky interior. When Lorelei was exclusively breastfed, I kept the bag in her room next to the changing table, and as her diapers became more stinky with solid food, I moved it to the laundry room. Having used both disposables and cloth, I can honestly say that the trash with disposables in it smells worse than the wet bag with dirty cloth diapers in it, and breastfed baby diapers hardly smelled bad at all. After every diaper change, I simply remove the diaper and pulled the insert out, and dropped both in the wetbag. Easy peasy. The only gross part is once she started eating solids and having more solid poo, I started knocking the poo in the toilet before throwing the diapers in the bag. There are these fancy pants thing called diaper sprayers that are supposed to make this easier, but I just shake it in, or use a piece of toilet paper/wipe. I can imagine some people would find that gross, but it is no worse than wiping it off your baby's butt.


Didn't you have to do laundry, like, every day? Wasn't your water/electric bill astronomical?
How much laundry you do depends on how much your kid messes the diapers, and how many diapers you have in your stash. With 36 pre-folds, five covers, and then 15 pocket diapers, I did laundry about every third day (so like three days per week.) I just took the entire wet bag and dumped the whole thing in the washing machine (and then dropped the bag in after (I have a top-loader; front loaders are harder to use for cloth.) Before her switch to solid food, I just did a cold pre-wash, a hot wash, then a cold rinse with a TINY bit of detergent. After her diapers became stinkier, I started adding in a pre-wash with vinegar before the detergent cycle. Diaper companies have super eco-friendly, sensitive detergent, but I just used generic Free and Clear. It is VERY important to use very little, and to not have anything with perfumes or anything or that will cause build up on the diapers. You can dry the diapers in the dryer, but they wreak havoc on velcro diapers and can make the plastic insides shrink. I toss the prefolds and inserts in the dryer, and line dry the diapers/covers either outside, or in my laundry room. When it comes time to fold and put them away, I try to pre-stuff the pocket ones with inserts. Lorelei likes to help :-) As for the electric bill and water bill, we did not notice a difference, honestly. I think line drying the diapers helped with that.



My little helper :-)

What about wipes, diaper rash cream, and going out?
Sometimes I used cloth wipes with a solution made of water, baby soap and baby oil. I personally prefer them to disposable wipes, but never have them handy, so I use regular wipes a lot. Diaper rash cream does not go well with cloth diapers, unfortunately. They cause buildup on the diapers, which can cause leaks. You can put a liner in the diaper to keep the cream away from the diaper(it looks kind of like a dryer sheet,) but sometimes that is not worth it. Normally when she is extra-rashy, I switch to disposable. I also tend to use disposables when we are out because they are easier to get rid of, but I do have a portable wet bag to put cloth diapers in on the go.

Are there any negative sides to these diapers?
Well, yes. They aren't ALL great. I do think that the pocket ones can leak a bit more than disposables (though not always.) Sometimes the diapers get detergent buildup and need to be stripped (I just wash them a couple times in hot water.) They require more prep-work (washing before initial use, stuffing diapers after each wash, etc.,) and it is annoying that I cannot really use cream with them (or else she would still be in them!) The extra loads of wash is really not that big of deal in the scheme of things; I feel like I am always doing laundry anyway, and I can co-ordinate diaper laundry with regular laundry. And I honestly do not think it is that gross! Not to mention the fact that they just look so cute with their big fluffy butts :-)

So, there you have it. I am very pleased with our decision to use cloth diapers, and probably will do it again with future children even if we can afford disposables. I find them more comfortable, cuter, more environmentally friendly, economical, and better for the baby's skin. And, honestly, I actually enjoy it!

If you have any questions, please contact me or comment away! I love to convert people to using cloth :-)


Most of my pocket diapers!

Someday, I will become a good blogger

You would think that I would be better at updating this thing.
I mean, I used to write ALL the time in college. I have the cutest little girl who is quite the fun subject for stories. Oh, and I am a bit obsessed with reading other peoples' blogs, to the point that I can hardly keep track of them all. But you see, my blog is not what I want it to be. I do not have a DSLR camera (or picture-taking skills,) so I cannot have one of those cool photography "day in my life" blogs. I have not yet figured out how to manage the time/money to become one of those vintage-crafty people. I am not really a skilled enough cook to have a food blog. I am not wise enough to have a spiritual encouragement blog.

So here I am. With my blog. Trying to keep a little piece of our lives recorded for the future. I think this blog may take a new turn in January, on its one year anniversary. It is a bit sad that in one year I have written only about 30 times, and I think that is because I put pressure on myself to write all this detailed stuff. So instead, I think I may try out some of the themes above, and make a more purposeful blog that combines my musings with some of the fun SAHM things I am learning. Oh, and I will still put pictures of Lorelei up, because those are just fun :-)

And speaking of which, the little miss is doing just grand! As of yesterday, I have had her outside the belly for as long as she was inside the belly. Yes, my little sweetheart is 9 whole months old. I cannot believe it, and yes, it is bittersweet. So without further ado, here are some of the haps from the past month (er...or two.)




-L is a FAST crawler (on her hands and knees all the time now,) and gets into everything. I have a bit of a fear that she will never walk because crawling is just so effective. She also pulls up on everything, can stand only supporting herself with one hand, and can cruise around quite a bit.
-She eats pretty much everything. It was rather crazy; I exclusively breastfed her for six months, and then fed her nothing but cereal + formula until 7 months...and then from months 7-9 she started eating pretty much everything. She hardly ever eats baby food anymore, and I just love being able to share my food with her. She is really digging cheese, cheerios, soup, and bread, but honestly this child will gobble down anything you give her, and grunt for more until you take her out of her high chair. Oh, and she still nurses 4 times a day.



-That said she is still small. She gets weighed on Monday, but I am guessing she is about 16 lbs. She just started really fitting in 6-9 month clothes more than 3-6, and I think it is mostly because her legs are too long for 3-6. I love that she is so small though, as I have to chase after her and carry her back to the "safe zone" all day.
-She sleeps from about 7:30-6:30 every night (give or take,) and takes two naps a day. Normally one nap is an hour, and the other is closer to two hours, but she tends to vary which one is the longer. It is wonderful, and I probably should be making good use of my newfound free time. But I all too often find myself napping too :-)
-She babbles all the time, though does not seem to have any "words." Sometimes I think she is saying mamama or dadada, but then she makes those sounds all the time. She has a regular voice for us, but then also has a high-pitched babytalk voice. She mostly uses that for the cat :-)




-She has a few "tricks" that she likes to do. Some of these include waving/saluting (she basically raises her hand like she is asking a question, but she means "hello,") fake coughing and sneezing, screaming just for fun, clapping, dancing, and giving sweet little open-mouth kisses :-)
-She became a big cousin on November 12 to a sweet little (big!) boy. I cannot wait for them to become buddies.
-She actually plays with other kids now. She tends to gravitate to the ones old enough to chase her. That, and she sometimes is a bit of a bully and tries to grab toys from or pull hair of the littler ones. We are working on her social skills.
-She had many important events in her life since I last wrote. Her dedication was held at my parents' home on October 30, and our dear friend Andy presided over it. It was so lovely celebrating such a special occasion with family and friends, and Allen and I were able to make it very personalized and special. Then, the next day, Lorelei had her first Halloween, and was the cutest little Ballerina in a handmade costume. Then, almost a month later, was her first Thanksgiving. We do not have too many pictures of that because mommy was sick all day.






We have so much to look forward to in the next few weeks. Our Christmas tree went up early in the week, and all Lorelei's sweet little gifts are stored in the guest room. As soon as the holidays are over, I will blink my eyes and her first birthday will be here. I am already planning the first birthday party :-)






So anyway, my one or two readers who probably know most of this from facebook anyway, I am peacing out until further notice. Hopefully, I will have a new plan for the direction of this blog soon!

xo,
Diana (and Lorelei)

So she is sleeping through the night now...

Well, I am at least :-) After months and months of worry, getting up multiple times a night, frequent feedings, reading and listening to the hardcore CIO supports and my friends are are big into attachment parenting, I finally decided that my baby needed to sleep through the night. It took one horrible night of her standing in the crib screaming for us only two hours after going for bed, and then us trying for another two hours to get her BACK to bed, and then me finally going to bed exhausted at midnight, with her still crying to sleep. It was hard. But she was fine. I knew she was fine, as I had fed her, changed her diaper, massaged her belly for gas, checked her for any owies, snuggled her, rocked her, sang to her, and loved her up and down. In that moment she did not need anything, and just needed to cry. And guess what? She figured it out.

The next day, I went to facebook for help (whatever did we do before facebook? I love that you can post a status update and within hours, 18 people are offering useful tips and encouragement,) and surprisingly, the majority of my friends urged me to try to just straight up let her cry it out. No frequent checks, no physical soothing, no "ferberizing;" just shut the door, turn the the monitor, and let her go. But wait! Won't she cry a lot? Probably. Won't it be really hard and heartwrenching? Yes. But, they assured me, it would only be bad for three days. After that, it would work.

And guess what? It did!

So I did our little bedtime routine, kissed her goodnight, gave her a bunny blanket and a pacifier, then shut her door, coming back in only to dream feed her before I went to bed and check on her.

Night one was bad. Maybe two hours of crying, with me waking up in the middle of
the night and hearing her cry.

Night two was better. We stayed out later than we normally do, but she only woke up once that night and cried for less than a half hour.

Night three, she slept straight through. 8-7. Thank God.

It is still not perfect. She still sometimes cries for a long time before naps or bed, and sometimes I will wake up in the middle of the night and she is crying. However, I have gotten to know her cries better, and know when it sounds like something is wrong vs. her just being mad. Now, the majority of the time, she falls back asleep within minutes, even at naps. She sleeps about 11 hours at night, and how takes...wait for it...2 naps a day that are EACH 1-2.5 hours long! And she is so HAPPY! We still have snuggle moments and she still sleeps in bed with me on Saturday mornings. I do not feel like a horrible unfeeling mom. I do not feel like I damaged her by letting her cry. Honestly, I do not think she remembers it the next day.

All that said, I still do not really regret the choices I made prior to this. While I may try sleep training sooner than 7 months next time around, I do not intend to immediately use CIO from day one. I still believe that there is an appropriate age to sleep train, and an age that is too young to cry for hours. And even though sometimes it was hard, I am thankful I got to spoil my firstborn a little. I mean, she is the only one I have!

Not gonna lie though...getting more than 3 consecutive hours of sleep is NIIIIICE!

(This was her sleeping arrangments during a week where she was sick. Hopefully, we will not be doing this again any time soon!)

September

It has been SO long since I have written. I have nothing but excuses, but here they are:
I started my work from home job at the beginning of the month and have been grading papers and answering students' questions all day and evening for the past several weeks. Since Lorelei does not take naps that are long enough to really get anything done, and I still need to clean my house, I often cannot get any "work" done until Allen gets home, and then I work from about 7-10. With that and some personal struggles, I have just not had the heart or mindset to blog. BUT since I do not keep a baby book and this is my SOLE record of Lorelei's babyhood (I know, bad mommy!) I wanted to update with where the little peanut is:

First of all, she is indeed still a peanut. Weighing in at a whopping 13.5 lbs, she is in the 5th percentile for weight, and only the 20th for height/head. She still is verrry slow at gaining weight, and the doctors keep scheduling weight checks to monitor her. I am not nearly as nervous about it as I used to be, as I truly think she is healthy, but it is making the whole sleeping through the night thing complicated. With her not gaining that much, I do not want to drop her night time feedings until she is ready, but the older she gets, the harder it is going to be. And the battle continues.



She is MOBILE! Lorelei started crawling at five months, beginning with a army/belly crawl + a worm thing. Now she can get on her knees and rock back and forth, but still does most of her actual moving on her belly. She is ALL over the place and FAST! She makes beeline to the computer, the cat, the front door and the bathroom the moment my back is turned. She also sits up without falling over (unless she is intentionally trying to get out of sitting position to crawl,) and just last week started pulling herself up to standing position. THAT is all kinds of fun when I am trying to get her to sleep. It is very sad and pathetic to me to watch my baby standing in her crib crying for me. I need thicker skin!



At six months, after half a year of nothing but breastmilk, we started Lorelei on solids (specifically cereal mixed with formula.) She.loves.it. She is also very good at eating it, which I attribute to the fact that we waited until six months, and we practiced with ice chips (side note- she now gets excited and happy when she hears the ice maker running...SO cute!) She has had rice, wheat and oatmeal cereal, and just started green beans and carrots last week. Now she has solids twice a day (cereal in the AM and cereal + veggies at dinner,) but still nurses 4-5 times per day with 1-2 night feedings. Gotta get some meat on this girl's bones so she can actually fit into her 6-9 month clothes! She is barely in 3-6 month clothes still! I do miss the ease (and lack of smell) from washing exclusive breastfeeding diapers, but I am thankful for this change.


Aside from these more obvious milestones, she is growing and changing and developing her own little personality more every day. She is VERY clingy to me now, which can be kind of sad sometimes. She definitely sensed the change in her life from my working (since she was being cared for primarily by daddy or nonnie or Aunt Gretchen and Uncle Daniel on many occasions as I worked,) and it made her cling to me whenever I was around. It melts my heart to do that to her, but if it were not for the blessing of this job, I would have to work outside the home. Ironically, however, she is very good for nursery, which she goes to for MOPS and either Sunday School or the sermon at church. I do wish that I could keep her with me, but to be honest, she squirms too much for me to get anything out of it. I know she would be welcomed in these places, but I would rather her crawl around the nursery for a little bit on Sundays than sitting my lap for several hours straight (sunday school + worship and sermon + after church Bible study is a lot for a little girl!)

I love watching her play with things! She has incredible dexterity in my opinion. She loves to pick up her blocks and letters and knock them together or transfer them from hand to hand. She still does not have a favorite stuffed animal or anything. She normally falls asleep with just a pacifier, though I try to let her snuggle with small objects if she would like. Her favorite "toy" in the world is our incredibly patient cat. Lorelei loves to grab the cat's tail, fur, ears, face, feet...everything she is not supposed to touch. The cat just seems to like the attention, since I do not give it as much as I should :-) She also is just so very thoughtful. She is alert and concerned and interested and thrilled with different things on a regular basis. I know I am biased, but I think she is quite special :-)

Also, though she is still getting up once or twice a night, her days seem better scheduled. She is eating and napping at pretty much the same times per day, and it is working for us. She is supposed to be napping now, but is instead standing in her crib and screaming. Oh the joys :-)

Overall, I am enjoying her very much. I love that she plays with me now, and is definitely a momma's girl. It is incredible to feel this kind of love for her and from her!

Baby Survey

In honor of Lorelei turning six months old this week I thought I would reflect a bit on my pregnancy/her birth...

1. Were you married at the time? Yes ma'am

2. What was your reaction when you found out you were pregnant? I got really teary and excited. I wanted this so so badly and while I was not shocked, I still could not believe I had gotten what I wanted so much!

3. How old were you? 22 when I found out, 23 when she was born.

4. How did you find out you were pregnant? I was at a point where I knew an early positive result could show up so I started testing with these cheap internet tests early that week. They all looked negative to me. Then randomly on Wednesday night, I double checked the one I took that morning (which ironically had not been thrown away yet...ewwww!) and it looked like there was a second line that had appeared after the "waiting period," you know, when it is supposed to be invalid. Since I had a feeling anyway that I could be pregnant, I asked my friend Sarah to take me to CVS the next day to get a digital test that actually said "pregnant" or "not pregnant." I actually waited until the next morning, July 3, to take it and it was very quick and clear with the answer!

5. Who did you tell first? I ran downstairs to our bedroom to tell my husband (we were living in my parents' basement at the time,) and he was still asleep. I woke him up and said "you are going to be a daddy!" He smiled that half-wake smile, gave me a hug and said something like "See! I knew we could do it!"...then fell back asleep. In all fairness, it was six a.m. on his day off. So after talking to him, I ran outside and called Diane and Gretchen, two of my dear friends. As the day went on we called a couple more close friends, and told our families by the end of the weekend.

6. Did you want to find out the sex? There was no doubt in my mind! I scheduled that appointment as early as I could (about 18 weeks.)

7. Due date? The Dr. due date was March 14. The one in my head was March 10.

8. Did you deliver early or late? Early! I was so convinced I would go late as first time moms tend to do, but she was born on March 9 at 7:25 p.m.

9. Did you have morning sickness? I had a lot of nausea and food aversions, but I think I only threw up a few times. I did go about two months where I ate a lot of soup and crackers. I had all-day headaches which were way worse than morning sickness to me.

10. What did you crave? Taco Bell, soup (all different kinds, all the time,) pasta, sushi...but a lot of those things I crave regularly. It was just way more intense when pregnant.

11. What irritated you the most? There was a woman at my office who felt the need to tell me EVERY week how much I had popped over to the weekend. I finally said something like "no I popped months ago, now I am just getting bigger." This same woman also liked to predict whether I would go early or late according to my energy level. SO annoying. Also, I was pregnant at the same time as one of my good friends from church (due two days apart,) and because she is tall and thin, she showed way later than me. Making me look HUGE, even though I looked pretty normal! Lots of people came up to us at church and would make comments on how I couldn't possibily be due the same time as her because I was so much bigger. Other than that, I didn't mind people commenting or touching my belly too much.

12. What was your first child’s sex? Girl. And let me tell you, even though I would have been thrilled and thankful either way, I wanted a girl so badly. I didn't believe it when I found out and made them check every time I had an ultrasound throughout the pregnancy.

13. How many pounds did you gain throughout the pregnancy? about 25 lbs, and yes, it is all gone ;-)

14. Did you have any complications during your pregnancy? Very minor things, like a little spotting or low iron. I was in a car accident at 20 weeks, which made some things very emotionally complicated.

15. Where did you give birth? a very large and popular hospital near where I live. It had a great NICU, which I thankfully did not have to use. My birth experience there was really disappointing.

16. How many hours were you in labor? About 14 hours total. I labored at home for a while, then walked the hospital grounds for a while. By the time I got admitted, I only had 4 cms and 2.5 hours to go.

17. Who drove you to the hospital? My husband. We made it a point not to tell our parents until after we knew we were staying so not to get anyone's hopes up. We left for the hospital at about noon, but took hours before we actually were admitted.

18 . Did you take medicine to ease the pain? I took nothing, which was exactly how I wanted it. It was horribly painful and awful, but I am proud of the decision I made. However, the hospital I was at had about a 97% epidural rate, so as you can imagine, I was a rarity. And the hospital staff definitely made that known. They were very unsupportive and unencouraging of my decision to go natural and it ultimately made it more painful, tense and difficult. I am so thankful that my labor was quick and Allen was supportive of my desire to have a natural birth.

19 . How much did your child weigh? 7lbs 6 oz

20 . What did you name him/her? Lorelei Rose

21 . How old is your first born today? Almost six months old! I can't believe it!

22. Who does your child look like? It is no question that she looks exactly like her daddy, because she has his eye shape, forehead and hair line. She has my nose, cheeks and mouth, and looks like me when she smiles. I really hope she has blue eyes like me, but I think they are turning hazel or grey.

23. Did you get mad at your husband during labor? I didn't. I remember wanting him close to me and touching my back or my hands (though I didn't want him to kiss me like he kept doing :-)) With the awful hospital experience, I felt like he was pretty much the only person on my side and I felt otherwise very confused and alone. But in the end it really doesn't matter because Lorelei and I were both
healthy, and I ultimately had the type of birth I wanted.

Discouraged Lately + the Schedule Part 2

I am kinda bummed out and in a funk, and I wish I could figure out what to do!

I had to change my 30 day shred because the workouts were too high impact on my joints. I felt like half of the exercises were not tiring me out, but were killing my knees, which have arthritis. I knew I was overdoing it, and had to figure out a new plan. So I am trying to do pilates every other day and walk a lot. I am not going to lose 15 lbs doing pilates, but hopefully I will make my muscles and joints stronger so I can return to the Shred. While I know I am making the right decision for my body, it is discouraging. I have had arthritis since I was about ten years old, and while it did not ruin my life or anything, it definitely has made it harder. It is really weird being a kid and not holding a pencil right, or never being able to play sports, or having to skip most gym activities in high school because you have an ailment that normally plagues people who are 50+. And the worst of it is I was in remission last year. I was hoping to stay in remission until I was done having babies so I could have more ability to carry them around. But it is looking like it is coming back.

Even more discouraging than that is Lorelei's sleep schedule. She just will not sleep through the night and I do not know how to make her, and I still struggle with to what end I SHOULD be forcing it. I do not have a problem fundamentally with letting her Cry it Out at this age; I just don't know how to do it when she gets up in the middle of the night. She cries it out for naps and when I put her down for the night, but she normally soothes herself to sleep. However when she wakes herself up, she cannot go back to sleep without being nursed. And you know, I would not mind that if it happened at the same times every night. I only get so much time to have that bond with my baby and I don't want to trade that comfort and closeness for some rigid standard that my kid MUST sleep on her own. BUT I also don't like getting up at different times every night and having that throw off the whole day. She goes to bed normally at 8:30. Sometimes she is up every 4 hours like clockwork until 8:30am. Sometimes she sleeps six hours and then three more then two more. Sometimes she sleeps even longer (such as eight straight hours!) and then two more after that. This morning, after getting up at two-something, she got up at five thirty and wanted to be up for the day. My husband graciously got up with her so I could rest a little more and she cat napped in the swing sometime between six thirty and seven thirty, but I am still exhausted.

With her waking up in different intervals every night and at different times every morning, it is so hard to plan a day, especially in regard to her nap times. I know I should have a set wakeup time and stick to that whether she is in her crib playing (or screaming) or if she had just gotten up two hours before, but when she has a rough night, it makes me almost dysfunctional the next morning, and it is much easier to "sleep in" with her a little. Better yet, I SHOULD be at least trying to let her cry when she gets up in the middle of the night so she can learn to soothe herself back to sleep if she is indeed just fussy, but that could go on for such a long time! During the day if she takes a short nap and gets up, she is up. She will not soothe herself back to sleep, even if I let her cry for 30 minutes (by the time all that has passed, she is frustrated and naptime is over anyway.) I don't like the thought of listening to her cry at 4am when I can easily put her back to sleep in less than ten minutes, and I don't want her to wake up Allen when he gets up for work between 5 and 6 daily.

Furthermore, when she started getting up in the middle of the night two months ago, I think it was because she was having a growth spurt and was genuinely hungry. She used to sleep ten hours a night for months before that, so it is not like my kid never slept through the night. Since she is such a finicky eater, I kind of like having the extra feeding or so to get some calories in her, thought again, it would be nice if it was the same time every night. I do not mind a 4 am feeding, if it is indeed a 4 am feeding! I do not see that as spoiling my child, but meeting a need. But what Lorelei is doing is clearly not exactly waking up and eating because she is hungry, but rather because she can. Such a fine line. Maybe starting solids next week will help!

And also, while I think maybe I am a bit more indulgent than I should to her bad habits, I think that the concept of parent-led scheduling can easily turn into schedule-led parents. I have known people who are SO obsessed with the rigid schedules they must enforce on their newborns, or avoiding "bad habits," that they sacrifice their own comfort regularily to stick to them, and lose some chances to comfort their child in certain circumstances. I completely agree with the advantages and even the goal of having your child have set bedtimes and naptimes and feeding times. I mean, we are the parents and they are the children. However, so often this ideal becomes an idol, and children are not cookie cutouts or robots who will always be able to abide by exactly what we want. For example, when Lorelei was a few weeks to a few months old and had those eating issues, the "schedule enforcers" were telling me to feed her every three hours, have "eat activity sleep" time regularly, and to let her start crying it out. Well my baby had eating issues, had to be force-fed sometimes up to fifteen times a day just to get her weight up and needed to spend a lot of time bonding with me to establish our nursing relationship. What good would I possibly do her letting her cry then or not listening to HER needs? In my mind, the ideal is when the parent follows the child's cues for a while and sees if a pattern emerges, and then tries to tweak that pattern into the "schedule." And within reason, that has kind of worked for us.

And another whole facet that people do not often consider when they talk about the schedule is that exclusively breastfed babies meet more than just their hunger needs at the breast, and need to eat more than the bottle-fed or cereal-fed baby to establish supply and get enough food. Lorelei could simply be needing to nurse at night occasionaly not because she is manipulating me or is spoiled, but because she is a child who is older than four months old and still only breastfed, which is sadly a rarity these days. So should I deny her that to teach her to sleep through the night? Again, a fine line!

Now I realize that Lorelei is now approaching six months and while we have a routine, we do not have the set bedtimes and naptimes that we probably should have. And I do believe she absolutely should be sleeping through the night most of the time at this age, and she is not because I gave into her too often and too soon. Again, I am not saying my way is right, as my daughter is definitely in a bad pattern that needs to be changed. But while I would love for her to sleep through the night, I do not want to be ruled by the fact that she must ALWAYS wake and sleep exactly when I want her to. Sometimes she may actually need me, and I want to be in tune to that. Many young children who sleep just fine may occassionally wake up and need mommy, and no one thinks twice about that! I used to be afraid of the dark, have nightmares, have belly aches or just be restless, and my parents did not withhold comfort from me. A baby is newer to this world, has more literal needs that she can only get from a parent, and does not have the ability to reason or think, so why is it in her best interest to ignore her when she cries in the middle of the night? I understand that I want to instill independence and good sleeping habits and the ability to self soothe, but at what expense? She is only this little once. And while it is technically "breaking the rules," I LOVE sometimes snuggling in my bed with her when she wakes up a bit too early rather than teaching her to "self soothe" in her crib. She has her whole life to be taught; I only have so much time to get in these snuggles before she does not need them anymore!

When it is all said and done, I worry about doing right by her. I want to train her well to be independent at night, but I also want to be a mommy who will break a routine if she needs some extra attention. I want to instill structure in her life, but also give plenty of affection. Where is the balance?

And honestly...I really DO want a good night's sleep!