Reading

I love to read. It is perhaps one of my favorite pastimes, and I have a bad habit of reading the same books over and over again rather than starting new ones. I want Lorelei to love reading too, and her nursery already has a beautiful bookshelf in it. When she was inside me, I loved pulling out my old childrens' books and placing them amongst the new ones she received as gifts. Eloise, Rosamund, Treasures of the Kingdom and a 150ish year old copy of Alice in Wonderland. However, once she was born things got so crazy with the nursing that we did little but sit on the couch and watch t.v./go on the computer. I barely got to read at all, much less read to her.
When we started having more of a "schedule," no matter how rigid, I decided Lorelei needed some sort of bedtime routine, even if I knew she had to wake up three more times to eat. She is most fussy in the evenings and we wanted to use this to calm her down. So now, I pick a feeding (normally between 9 and 10,) feed her, swaddle her, rock her and I read to hear two stories and then sing some songs and say prayers before I place her in the co-sleeper. Since she was pretty much attached to me for several weeks, I had been going through this little ritual. However since now she is feeding more on demand, I passed her to Allen at bedtime so he could enjoy this time with her. I probably should have taken some "me time" or gone to bed early, but instead I started watching them and taking pictures. Watching my husband love our little girl so well and watching her stare at him, wide awake and captivated. He read to her so sweetly, rocked her when she fussed and sang to her when she cried. It made me fall in love with him even more, like I did the first night I saw him with her in the hospital. I am so blessed by the little family I have!

No picture today

Because I do not have one of the person I would like to honor in this post.
Last tuesday, a dear girl from our church named Lauren died. She has had a constant battle with a sick heart, and was on a list waiting for a new one. On Tuesday night, she had a heart attack and her poor sick heart could not take anymore. She is now with Jesus. She would have been 20 today.

I have been sad for days thinking about Lauren. I did not know her really well; she was too young to be in my own crowd of youth group friends, but too old to be part of the group of girls who I taught. I knew her well enough to smile at her in church and say hi, to be facebook friends, and to be so happy to hear when she got bumped up on the transplant lists. The last interaction Lauren and I had, in fact, was her commenting on my photos of Lorelei. Almost as much as a mourn her death, I mourn that I did not get to know this sweet girl better. She used to sit a few rows ahead of my family in church with her parents and her brother, and sometimes her older sister, but I most remember when she would hold her little niece during the singing. I could tell she ADORED that child. Lauren had a beautiful smile, and from what I hear, quite the wit. She challenged life; but when you think about it, life really challenged her.

The funeral was on Saturday and I was able to go. My sister watched Lorelei in the nursery so I did not have to worry about her. It was one of the most beautiful services I had ever seen, and there was no doubt in anyone's mind what Lauren believed, that she was with God, and that we could celebrate her life. There were so many beautiful and personable touches. My friend Andrea sang Lauren a song she wrote just for her. Lauren's mom and brother chose songs to have sung in tribute for her. The entire football team from her high school came in their jackets to pay respects. Lauren wore a sweatshirt and a ponytail, like she usually did (and she looked beautiful.) The gospel was preached. There was a worship service. 500+ people heard about Jesus that day. Praise God!

I have been to a few funerals before, but none of someone so young. Even so, I know this experience was different now having my own child. Lauren's mother is Lorelei's peditrician (though she has not gotten to have an office visit with her yet due to illness and scheduling.) She is a strong, beautiful and smart woman who loved her daughter dearly, and now I can relate to that love. I would move the world for my daughter and if I ever lost her, a piece of my heart would die. As I heard this dear woman cry for her baby, my heart cried with her and I wanted to hold my own baby tight. Thank you, Lauren's mother, for helping me realize a new facet of a mother's love.

On Sunday, the family was in church. I was surprised to see them, but then I was not. The church is their family and the people who have been seeing them through this struggle. We are missing Lauren together. As I stood to the side of the crowd who was giving Lauren's mom hugs and condolences, holding my sleeping girl wrapped in a handmade blanket, she saw me. She passed her Bible and belongings to someone nearby and said "I need to see this baby!" I tenderly passed my daughter to her doctor, a fellow mother, and watched this mother who had just lost her own daughter love my baby ever so sweetly. She spoke tender words to her and promised to come be her doctor soon. She told me that it was Lauren who showed her Lorelei's pictures on facebook, introducing my baby to her. My baby and I got to help this wonderful, strong mother smile, and I will always treasure that moment.

I praise God for Lauren. For her life, and her testimony. Because of her, so many heard the gospel of Jesus. Even in a life where she had to fight every day, she still saught Him. Happy birthday, Lauren.

12 Ounces

My baby gained TWELVE ounces. Praise God!

After the two weeks of no weight gain, the week of crazy schedule of constant feeding, the sloppy eating sessions, the week of learning to space the feedings out a little and let her get a bit hungry, learning her cues and anticipating her hunger, the tears, the stress, the prayers...my baby finally gained a GOOD amount of weight. Like more than average. More than anticipated. So much that I knew God was going out of His way to tell me that I persevered and it had paid off. In fact, after the nurse left, I put her back on the scale to look again. He is THAT good :-)

I have to say, while I am SO thankful, I am also very proud of myself and of Lorelei. We learned to nurse. We worked really hard for six weeks and we still will have struggles, but we learned without supplementing with anything. People told me to just give her a bottle. They told me that I had worked through so much and if I wanted to give up, they would understand. In fact, I told myself that if she did not gain well this week, I would go to supplementing. But God is kind and rewarded our hard work. My baby is exclusively breastfed and I love it. And for the first time in weeks, I am allowed to let her sleep longer at night, thus letting ME sleep at night!

Some other tricks she has learned this week include blowing spit bubbles (or milk bubbles if she is eating,) pulling my hair, my shirt, my chest and holding on for dear life, and smiling. She smiles. At me. And I love it (though it is hard to capture on film.)

Oh, how I adore her.

Two years

"Every year casts out another anchor to hold me even more firmly to you, though none was needed even from the first."-C.H. Spurgeon



Happy Anniversary, my love. Thank you for giving me the greatest two years of my life, and I cannot wait for many, many more. You are such a wonderful best friend, husband and father to our daughter. I am so thankful for you and praise God that I am yours! I love you even more today than I did when we began this journey, and will continue to love you more as we grow together. You are and always will be my beloved.

I should be sleeping now. It is 1am and I need to be up in three and a half hours to feed the little one (at the maximum...she could decide to get me up sooner!) But besides the fact that I am not too tired, I found that I just can't stop watching her. I love to watch her sleep, in awe that she is mine. The way her little cheeks smush against whatever she is laying on. The way she often manages to get one arm up by her face (like she had in half of her ultrasounds.) The way she spits out her paci and purses her lips, bottom lip sticking out like a pout. The way she makes little grunting noises that make me think she is waking up, and then she doesn't. Often I put her in her swing to sleep during the day, so that I can get some things done...and then end up taking her out after too much time has past because I just miss snuggling with her. I love to watch her sleep in her co-sleeper, in her swing...but most of all in my arms, her little cheeks smushed against my chest. She sleeps best on me, it seems, and I am so honored to be the one who gives her that comfort and security. I can't believe God gave me the great joy of being the mother of Lorelei Rose. I positively adore her and praise God every day for her. Thank You, Father, for blessing Allen and I with this little piece of sunshine. Even when it is hard and we have our fussy days or weeks, even when we struggle with nursing, my heart still praises You for her. I will never deserve her. We are so blessed.
To update on last week, Lorelei has gained five ounces. The doctors are satisfied with that, but I need to keep up the frequent feedings. So I am feeding her a minimum of 12 times a day and hoping that she is able to learn to nurse better so she eats longer. She still eats in these little spurts very frequently, so I do not feel comfortable spreading her daytime feedings out more, and neither does the doctor. We need to get her to a place where I can go by her schedule, but for now I need to stick to a rigid, clock-based schedule. But I will gladly do whatever it takes to keep my little one nourised and to do it by exclusively nursing as long as I can. God has blessed me with the ability to bond with my little girl in this way and I intend to use it as long as He will allow.
It is really late now so I am going to try to sleep. And while I try to sleep, I listen to the sounds of my sweet daughter breathing and stroke her soft cheek when she stirs. It's ok. You can be jealous of me :-)

the photo was taken when she was about 1 week old. it is one of our favorites.

It's been a while...

I knew this would happen, and was in denial.
I neglected my blog through the end of pregnancy and now, here I am, with a four-week-old. Little Lorelei rose is laying across the boppy on my lap, her arm curled up next to her cheek as she likes it, sleeping away. Sleeping is her favorite thing to do.
Four weeks have flown, and yet I cannot remember what it was like for this precious little girl to not be here. I already adore her. She makes silly faces that make her daddy and I laugh, and she snuggles against my chest every day in a way that warms my heart. I neglect my house because I want to just cuddle her all day long. And she is new, and I am still "recovering," so that is OK.
Eventually I will post a birth story...I have written it once and it just needs to be tailored a little. But today I will write about this week's trial: the nursing holiday. (excuse me while I move the little one off my lap so I can write, and she makes a sound that sounds like a billy goat.)
We have had a lot of trouble with this nursing thing, something I have always feared having trouble with. The midwives told me nursing would be a challenge, and it has proven to be so since day one. After her birth, we could not be skin to skin right away, so we had to delay the first nursing. Then, after about 10 hours, we finally got a good feeding, and we were told she was jaundiced and had to spend her whole second day of life in a tanning bed. I could not snuggle my baby all day. I could not comfort her when she cried. And worst of all, I could not nurse her. She was just too tired. Even after she got out of the lights 12 hours later, she still would not latch, and despite the peditrician's prescription for formula, I pumped myself regularly so I could feed her my milk anyway.
Her first two weeks of life were so hard on us. Filled with bottle-feedings, too much pumping, conflicting advice, fever and chills and sweats (and eventually mastitis,) nipple shields and a long (eventually successful) quest for a lactation consultant. And then, one glorious day, my baby girl latched onto me and did not need the shield again. I was so overjoyed. We did it!
Things seemed good for a week. She had gained so sufficiently the first two weeks that the nurses told me I could let her sleep through the night. So we fed every 2-3 hours during the day and every 4-6 at night. My little girl had so much trouble staying awake though. I knew that something was wrong.
Everyone told me she was just fine. Her diapers were good, she looked healthy...but I guess I experienced that first real "mother's intuition." I took her for a random weight check on Monday and sure enough, my sweet girl had not gained more than two ounces in two weeks. She was supposed to gain .5-1 oz per day. Ever since we started nursing, she stopped gaining weight. My throat choked back tears as the pediatrican who talked too fast brought me a sample box of formula and told me to bottle feed her after each feeding, to feed her ever four hours at night, to pump twice a day...just to get her weight up. "We want you to nurse! We will wean her off the bottle if she does well this week!" she said. But I was crushed. My body did not feed my baby enough. Was I too distracted when I fed? Should I have not jumped to sleeping through the night? Was I not producing enough? I cried and cried to Allen in the car and then cried all day.
When I got home, I pulled bottles out of the freezer to thaw, debating what to do. I knew if I gave her a bottle, her latch could be damaged. She already had so much trouble getting to eat off of me. How could I undo this? I waited and waited, delaying what seemed inevitable, when the lactation consultant finally contacted me. "Do NOT give that child a bottle!" she said. We will figure this out.
And here we are, three days later. A visit with the LC determined that her latch is good, my supply is fine and she looks healthy; she just needs to eat some more and stay awake! I have not touched a bottle or a pump. Instead, we began the nursing holiday. Around the clock feedings, bonding with my girl. Lorelei and I, braving the day. We eat every 1.5-2 hours in the daytime and every 3 at night. I have increased her feedings from 9 to 13 per day, and have tried to make her sessions last a minimum of 20 minutes even when it is a fight.
And it is almost always a fight. She eats so well for a good 5-8 minutes, and then wants to sleep. I change her diaper, strip her down, tickle her feet, put cold cloths on her back, blow on her face...anything I can do to hear the sweet sound of her swallowing some more milk. When neither of us can take it anymore, either she pulls off me, purses her lips and nuzzles my breast to sleep, or I take her off and place her back in bed. And I pray that just got enough. All day I pray that my baby gains weight.
We find out on Monday, so we have four and a half long days to go. I feel like all I do is nurse and I have not left my couch...but it is worth it if it helps my baby. I knew I was a momma before this week; I had been for four weeks now, but this week I really felt like a mother. This is what it is about. And as hard as it is, to see her sweet face pressed against me is all worth it.