The Bottle

Lorelei is in our room with her daddy and he is trying to give her a bottle. I am trying to distract myself. She has not had a bottle since she was two weeks old, and because of all the nursing issues, I did not want to try to introduce one lest she decide to prefer it to me and get all confused. However, we decided to introduce one so that we can go out sometimes or so Allen can have a part in feeding her. It is not something that we intend to do every day or anything, and we are still going to fill it with breast milk...we just wanted her to be able to take it if it was ever necessary. Well Lorelei has other ideas.
I am starting to think maybe we waited a liiiittle too long because she cries every time someone tries to give her a bottle (someone other than me...I do not want her to associate me with it.) Allen has tried a few times, and each time she cries after she drinks a little, and then she starts coughing and not swallowing it well, so he gives her back to me to feed her. One time we left her with my mom and a bottle while we went out to dinner, thinking that maybe if I was totally out of the house she would take it, and we came home to her screaming and I had to promptly feed her as soon as I walked in the door. (Thankfully they had only tried it a few minutes before we got home.) We are trying to make it so her bottle feeding is as easy as possible; we got a bottle that is supposed to mimic the breast (so she has to work for the milk rather than it just pouring in and startling her) and I always leave the room so she can't even smell me. But she is just not digging it right now. As we speak, she is crying in the next room with daddy, but at least I think she is drinking a little...

I have to say, while I want her to have this bonding with Allen, it makes me really emotional. I LOVE being the sole giver of her food and love having her nurse on me, and I am still afraid that she will like the bottle more than me and decide not to nurse anymore. The first few times that we tried the bottle, I got really choked up and teary and was secretly kind of relieved when she did not want it...I know that is selfish, but it is how I feel. I don't mind that she is a momma's girl most of the time :-) She is my girl! Now if only she looked a little like me :-) Oh and tonight's bottle = fail. She is fed up and coming out to nurse now. Sigh. Guess we will try another day!

Here are my three favorite pictures from memorial day today:

Day to Day

I am so bad at writing things down. Sometimes I feel a pang of guilt that I don't know the exact date of her first smile (but who does, really...I mean when do you really know those little facial spasms are actual smiles,) or the first time the coo'ed rather than grunted. So this entry is to say what Miss Lorelei Rose is doing these days, at age 2 months, one week and four days:

I am trying to introduce some semblance of a schedule, while still sort of feeding on demand. The good thing is she tends to eat within the same hours every day, give or take a couple of feedings, and is normally in bed from 9/10ish til 4/5ish, then is asleep again til 8-10ish. During the day, I am trying to do an "eat, activity, sleep" thing as much as possible (though sometimes she does not feel that) and she takes about one (maybe two) good 2 hour naps a day (which is either in the morning or afternoon), and a bunch of little 20-45 minute ones. During activity time, I am trying to be more interactive.

Our activities consist of:
-having tummy time in front of a mirror (like any girl, her reflection can sometimes distract her long enough to keep her from melting down.)
-me laying on my belly with her so we can read together
-dancing to whatever I feel like putting on (which is normally something from the Glee sountrack or Michael Buble's "Haven't Met You Yet.")...I am holding off on Baby Mozart and Kindermusik as long as I can ;-)
-her laying on her back on her activity mat staring at her mirror and randomly batting toys.


She smiles ALL the time now, normally when I am changing her diaper. In fact, normally whenever I look at her she breaks out in a ridiculous huge grin...and yet she does not really share that grin with others. As much as I love being that special someone to make her smile, I wish she would let others see it. Unfortunately, smiles for daddy are rare. We are working on that.


She coos now, also normally while I am changing her diaper. She makes these cute little gurling sounds that I love. Sometimes we have conversations about life and such.

She has occasional screaming fits, normally if she is really tired or her belly hurts or she is in pain (like when she decided to throw her head back against the wall one time as we were leaving her bedroom :-(.) They are very nerve-wracking and make me sad.

She has an adorable summer wardrobe and I wish it would stay warm so she can wear it!

She takes showers with me. I have a giant double shower which I put her tub in, and she just looks at the water and sticks her tongue out while I wash my hair. Then I was her and pick her up so the water can rinse her up. It is very relaxing.

She sucks her hands all the time, so much that I am often confused as to whether or not she is actually hungry.

She melts my heart regularly. I still can't believe she is my daughter and I get to spend every day with her. I love her so much!

Mothers Day

I had my first mothers day this past Sunday.
It was so strange...I felt like I was playing a character or a role in a play. I mean, I know I am a mother. But it was like I was a Mother with a capital M. People who I never speak to were wishing me a happy mothers day. I felt like I was in this special club, one that I felt so ill equiped for. I mean, I have been a mother for 2 months (Lorelei was two months exactly on mothers day) and there were women who have been mothers for years and years. So in my two months of motherhood, here is when I have most felt like a mother and what I learned.

When we were in the hospital and Lorelei was already having breastfeeding issues, we would pray for Jesus to bless our food before about every nursing session. I learned that praying with my child needed to start at birth.

When the doctors prescribed her formula when she was jaundiced and I insisted that I try to pump and feed her breastmilk first against their wishes, I learned that sometimes I knew better than the doctors for my child. (note- I have nothing against mothers who formula feed; I just wanted that to be a last choice for us, not what we went to right away when breastfeeding was not working.)

When Lorelei didn't gain weight and I had to nurse nonstop for weeks, trying different schedules and patterns, I learned that even if I dreaded it before, I would do whatever it took in the blink of an eye to make my baby better.



When Lorelei finally did gain a LOT of weight, I learned that I could be proud of us for working together, and that God would reward us for doing what we thought was best for her.

When she is asleep in her swing and I take her out just to cuddle her, I learn that it is OK to stop what I am doing just to snuggle with my baby. I only get to do it for so long.

When we sing and dance to Michael Buble and Journey instead of Baby Mozart, I learned that I can share what I like with her, and she loves sharing it with me.

When I watch my husband love her and kiss her and snuggle her, I learn that I can fall more in love with her daddy...and that is just as important as loving her, if not more.

When I decided to stay home with her, even though sometimes it does not make sense financially, I learned that making this sacrifice is the biggest gift I can give her, and that my husband can give me...and God will bless us for it.



When I spend some 10 hours a day alone with just her, doing laundry, watching tv shows and cuddling on the couch, I learned that she is already becoming my best friend and we do not need to be constantly entertained.

When a dear friend had a baby two weeks apart from us and we started going on weekly playdates, I learned that mothers need support and empathy SO much.

When I watch my mother love my daughter, her granddaughter, I learn that she is my biggest example of a mother. I learn that sometimes I still need my mother.

When she bumped her head today and I wanted to cry, I learned that I will always want to make it all better and hate seeing my baby in pain (she is fine, by the way)

When we started reading together at bedtime, I learned that even though she can't understand the words, she needs to hear them.



When she cries and my touch instantly calms her, I learn that sometimes mommy is all she needs and I need to give that to her as much as I can.

When she started smiling at me, I learned that was the biggest treasure of my day, one that I looked forward to and tried to coax all day long.

And when she started doing it all day long, I learned I would never get tired of it.

Everytime I look at her face, I know that she is one of my biggest blessings and greatest sources of joy. Being a mother is a beautiful job, one that is created by God and that God, and no man, can hire. I am so honored to be Lorelei's mother, and to learn so much from her already.

Smile

And this makes it all worth it.


I adore her.

Reading

I love to read. It is perhaps one of my favorite pastimes, and I have a bad habit of reading the same books over and over again rather than starting new ones. I want Lorelei to love reading too, and her nursery already has a beautiful bookshelf in it. When she was inside me, I loved pulling out my old childrens' books and placing them amongst the new ones she received as gifts. Eloise, Rosamund, Treasures of the Kingdom and a 150ish year old copy of Alice in Wonderland. However, once she was born things got so crazy with the nursing that we did little but sit on the couch and watch t.v./go on the computer. I barely got to read at all, much less read to her.
When we started having more of a "schedule," no matter how rigid, I decided Lorelei needed some sort of bedtime routine, even if I knew she had to wake up three more times to eat. She is most fussy in the evenings and we wanted to use this to calm her down. So now, I pick a feeding (normally between 9 and 10,) feed her, swaddle her, rock her and I read to hear two stories and then sing some songs and say prayers before I place her in the co-sleeper. Since she was pretty much attached to me for several weeks, I had been going through this little ritual. However since now she is feeding more on demand, I passed her to Allen at bedtime so he could enjoy this time with her. I probably should have taken some "me time" or gone to bed early, but instead I started watching them and taking pictures. Watching my husband love our little girl so well and watching her stare at him, wide awake and captivated. He read to her so sweetly, rocked her when she fussed and sang to her when she cried. It made me fall in love with him even more, like I did the first night I saw him with her in the hospital. I am so blessed by the little family I have!

No picture today

Because I do not have one of the person I would like to honor in this post.
Last tuesday, a dear girl from our church named Lauren died. She has had a constant battle with a sick heart, and was on a list waiting for a new one. On Tuesday night, she had a heart attack and her poor sick heart could not take anymore. She is now with Jesus. She would have been 20 today.

I have been sad for days thinking about Lauren. I did not know her really well; she was too young to be in my own crowd of youth group friends, but too old to be part of the group of girls who I taught. I knew her well enough to smile at her in church and say hi, to be facebook friends, and to be so happy to hear when she got bumped up on the transplant lists. The last interaction Lauren and I had, in fact, was her commenting on my photos of Lorelei. Almost as much as a mourn her death, I mourn that I did not get to know this sweet girl better. She used to sit a few rows ahead of my family in church with her parents and her brother, and sometimes her older sister, but I most remember when she would hold her little niece during the singing. I could tell she ADORED that child. Lauren had a beautiful smile, and from what I hear, quite the wit. She challenged life; but when you think about it, life really challenged her.

The funeral was on Saturday and I was able to go. My sister watched Lorelei in the nursery so I did not have to worry about her. It was one of the most beautiful services I had ever seen, and there was no doubt in anyone's mind what Lauren believed, that she was with God, and that we could celebrate her life. There were so many beautiful and personable touches. My friend Andrea sang Lauren a song she wrote just for her. Lauren's mom and brother chose songs to have sung in tribute for her. The entire football team from her high school came in their jackets to pay respects. Lauren wore a sweatshirt and a ponytail, like she usually did (and she looked beautiful.) The gospel was preached. There was a worship service. 500+ people heard about Jesus that day. Praise God!

I have been to a few funerals before, but none of someone so young. Even so, I know this experience was different now having my own child. Lauren's mother is Lorelei's peditrician (though she has not gotten to have an office visit with her yet due to illness and scheduling.) She is a strong, beautiful and smart woman who loved her daughter dearly, and now I can relate to that love. I would move the world for my daughter and if I ever lost her, a piece of my heart would die. As I heard this dear woman cry for her baby, my heart cried with her and I wanted to hold my own baby tight. Thank you, Lauren's mother, for helping me realize a new facet of a mother's love.

On Sunday, the family was in church. I was surprised to see them, but then I was not. The church is their family and the people who have been seeing them through this struggle. We are missing Lauren together. As I stood to the side of the crowd who was giving Lauren's mom hugs and condolences, holding my sleeping girl wrapped in a handmade blanket, she saw me. She passed her Bible and belongings to someone nearby and said "I need to see this baby!" I tenderly passed my daughter to her doctor, a fellow mother, and watched this mother who had just lost her own daughter love my baby ever so sweetly. She spoke tender words to her and promised to come be her doctor soon. She told me that it was Lauren who showed her Lorelei's pictures on facebook, introducing my baby to her. My baby and I got to help this wonderful, strong mother smile, and I will always treasure that moment.

I praise God for Lauren. For her life, and her testimony. Because of her, so many heard the gospel of Jesus. Even in a life where she had to fight every day, she still saught Him. Happy birthday, Lauren.

12 Ounces

My baby gained TWELVE ounces. Praise God!

After the two weeks of no weight gain, the week of crazy schedule of constant feeding, the sloppy eating sessions, the week of learning to space the feedings out a little and let her get a bit hungry, learning her cues and anticipating her hunger, the tears, the stress, the prayers...my baby finally gained a GOOD amount of weight. Like more than average. More than anticipated. So much that I knew God was going out of His way to tell me that I persevered and it had paid off. In fact, after the nurse left, I put her back on the scale to look again. He is THAT good :-)

I have to say, while I am SO thankful, I am also very proud of myself and of Lorelei. We learned to nurse. We worked really hard for six weeks and we still will have struggles, but we learned without supplementing with anything. People told me to just give her a bottle. They told me that I had worked through so much and if I wanted to give up, they would understand. In fact, I told myself that if she did not gain well this week, I would go to supplementing. But God is kind and rewarded our hard work. My baby is exclusively breastfed and I love it. And for the first time in weeks, I am allowed to let her sleep longer at night, thus letting ME sleep at night!

Some other tricks she has learned this week include blowing spit bubbles (or milk bubbles if she is eating,) pulling my hair, my shirt, my chest and holding on for dear life, and smiling. She smiles. At me. And I love it (though it is hard to capture on film.)

Oh, how I adore her.